Golf Jokes

A cell phone rings in the men's locker room at the local country club.

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes, just finished showering.

"Great! I'm at the mall, and I just saw a beautiful leather coat and it's on sale for $1,000. May I buy it?"

"Well, go ahead if you like it that much."

"Thanks, Honey. By the way, I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I spoke with the salesman, and he quoted me a really good price on the one I love."

"How much?"

"Only $60,000."

"OK, but tell him you'll only pay $59,500."

"Thanks, Sweetie. I'll see you later. I love you!"

"I love you, too. Bye."

The man presses "End Call" and closes the phone's flap. Then he yells across the locker room, "Anybody know whose phone this is?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Golfer: I'm going to drown myself in that lake.
Caddy: Do you think you can keep your head down that long?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Golfer: You must be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I doubt it, that would be too much of a coincidence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A married couple are sitting on the couch together. The wife says to her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?"

The husband responds, "Well, yes, I suppose I would."

Surprised by this, the wife asks, "Would you live in our house?"

The husband thinks for a second and says, "I guess we would, I really like this house."

Somewhat irritated, the wife asks, "Would you let her sleep in OUR bed?"

Calmly, the man responds, "Well of course dear, we would be married after all."

Clearly angry the woman exclaims, "I suppose you would let her use my golf clubs."

The man looks at her and states, "Don't be ridiculous. She's left handed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stan and Norm are out for a round of golf when Stan hits his ball into the rough. As they are looking for the ball, Stan spots a beautiful blonde using a bush for a restroom. He grabs Norm and they both hide behind a tree while they have a look.

"This is incredible. A beautiful woman like that actually relieving herself in the woods." says Stan.

"Yeah," says Norm "And I bet she won't even wipe her behind when she's finished."

Stan is aghast. "No way! A beautiful woman like that would never be so disgusting."

Norm replied, "I'm telling you she isn't going to wipe."

"How do you know?" asked Stan.

"I just do." replied Norm. "I'm so confident, in fact, that I'll bet you ten dollars she doesn't wipe her behind."

"You're on!" said Stan, thinking he was on to a sure thing.

Suddenly Norm stepped out from behind the tree and shouted "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh ... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."

"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this guy at the golf course that was always cheating. He never played a straight game of golf. Always improving his lie, taking mulligans, etc. It got so bad that no one ever wanted to play a round with him.

One day the golf pro walked up to him and said, "We're going to go out and play a round and I'm going to show you how you’re supposed to play this game. There will be absolutely no cheating. It'll be an honest game of golf."

The man looked sort of disappointed but replied, "Well, alright."

On the first tee, the pro decided to let the man go first so that he could keep an eye on him.

After setting up his shot, the man finally tees off and really slices the ball. It passes through a couple of trees, bounces twice, rolls and then comes to a stop on the cart path.

Then the pro tees of and hits a really straight ball right down the middle of the fairway.

They put their clubs away and proceed down the fairway to hit their second shot.

Upon arriving to his ball, the man reaches down to pick it up and move it off the path. The pro sees this and says, "Hey, wait a minute. You have got to play that ball where it stopped. Haven't you ever heard the phrase 'play it where it lays'?”

The man replies, "Well yeah, but I can't hit the ball when it's on the cart path."

"Well you have to", the pro says. "It's in the rule book."

The man frowns and seems to ponder the issue for a moment. "Well, alright." He replies. He walks over, grabs a club, and
addresses his ball. He starts his back swing and then proceeds to scrape the club head across the pavement, sparks flying everywhere, and hit a beautiful shot that lands on the green and stops two feet from the hole.

The pro in wonderment says, "Wow! That was a beautiful shot. What did you use on that?"

The man looks at him and replies, "Your four iron."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------